"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad we taste-tested 10 different sodas?"

Bing! It's a cold winter night in the midst (mist?) of a 3-day weekend. A recent poker game has galvanized the standing of orange soda among a small faction of Brooklyners. Toss in a visit from a Vermonter with a healthy appreciation of the silly and ostensibly pointless and you've got a bona fide event.

Orange soda. It's always been there, but who really takes the time to think about it? If it were a roller coaster it would have a maximum height of 48 inches. It's like a training soda destined to reside at the kiddie table while the adults sit around talking about their ad campaigns and alcoholic cocktails. Not as ubiquitous as Coke, not as flashy as Dr. Pepper, not as extreme as Mountain Dew, not as distinctive as Root Beer, not as mixable as 7Up, but lurking in the background. And, dare I say, pretty damn tasty.

The Contestants (in alphabetical order): Fanta, Goya Mandarin, Jamaican, Minute Maid Valencia, Naturale 90, Orangina, Pathmark, Slice, Stewart's Orange Cream, Sunkist.

A note on the contestants: We did pretty well to get 10 different products to put up against one another, but there were some notable gaps. Sadly, no Orange Crush could be located leading us to wonder whether it was even still being produced. Apparently it is, though it seems to be more of a niche product at this point. Ditto for Nehi. We also didn't get to test the Mistic Tangerine Orange sparkling soda, which I wanted to include simply to have one clear beverage represented, or the San Pellegrino stuff that Kaci loves. Jarritos, a tasty south of the border soda was absent as well. All the contestants came in bottles (glass or plastic) with no cans present. Despite all this, the process and results were enlightening.

The Judges: Dan, Jamie, Jeremy, Jim, Kaci, Marc, and Sujan.

The Ingredients*: All the contestants featured the same two main ingredients: carbonated water (some claimed to use distilled water, but whatever), and corn syrup, mostly in the high fructose variety. After that there was a lot of disparity in what was used. For a complete breakdown, click here.

The Results

With the sodas lined up, we decided to start with the familiar and work our way to the exotic. Water was on hand to cleanse the palates of our intrepid explorers so as not to bias the proceedings (we were nothing if not scientific, as much as that was possible given that we were drinking a sickening amount of orange-flavored chemicals). Each entrant was rated in four categories by polling the group and developing a rough average on a scale of 1-5. The categories were Smell (S), Taste (T), Aftertaste (A) and Carbonation (C). They are presented here Zagat style.

Entrant #1 - Sunkist (2 liter bottle)
Color: Standard Orange
S: 3 T:4 A:4 C:3

Chosen first to establish a baseline for the rest of the batches, Sunkist was roundly enjoyed by everyone - perhaps it would have been different had it come up later. Its smell was likened to hard candy, specifically "a Tootsie Pop". "Standard orange soda" was an apt description for this market share behemoth that had "good carbonation", a hint of real orange that was "not overpowering" and virtually no aftertaste. But despite the insinuation that this elixir had been romantically entangled with the center of our solar system, there was nothing resembling fruit in the ingredients. This was the only entrant to contain caffeine, however.

Pulled quote: "It has an orange creamsicle feel that's not really there."

Entrant #2 - Slice (2 liter)
Color: Standard Orange
S: 2 T:1.5 A:1 C:3

A big disappointment as many agreed that it "smells like McDonalds orange drink". Though it had a tarter and less sweet taste that tickled the back of the tongue, the "smell and taste are not compatible" with "weird" carbonation that was readily apparent in the cup but somehow diffused before reaching the mouth. Again, the fruit imagery conjured up by the name was belied by the fact that no actual fruit dwelled within. Slice was neck and neck with Fanta (see below) in the "most unique ingredients" category boasting numerous ingredients not found in the other contestants such as salt, malic acid, gum arabic, and potassium citrate (not to mention EDTA, potassium sorbate and potassium benzoate, also present in Minute Maid).

Pulled quote: "It makes sense that this sucks since Slice is gross."

Entrant #3 - Fanta (2 liter)
Color: Standard Orange
S: 2 T:2 A:1.5 C:4

More smell comparisons, this time to "Fruit Gems". You know, those chewy gumdrop type things that bodegas give out free when you're buying $20 worth of Doritos? What would it be like to drink one? Apparently it would be "too fake", "metallic", would "pop in your throat", and be "more intense" but "less flavorful". Some claimed that it "makes females burp" but that may have simply been the aggregate effects already kicking in. Or perhaps it was the coconut oil (wha?). Or the sodium polyphosphates (poly...hmmm). Or the sucrose acetate isobutyrate (are we sure the FDA has approved that for human consumption?). Or the dioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate (better living through chemistry indeed. I can't imagine why it tasted fake.). This was the only "major" brand not to contain Yellow #6, though it did have Red #40.

Pulled quote: "I think some of the plastic from the bottle melted into this."

Entrant #4 - Pathmark (2 liter)
Color: Standard Orange
S: 1 T:1 A:1 C:1

Belllaarrrggghhhh. Universally derided as "what the po' people drink", there was some suspicion that this would simply be the same as one of the name brands with a generic label slapped on it. If a look at the ingredient list didn't put that rumor to bed, one whiff of this tragic potion did. Alternately described as "medicinal", "urine", "ammonia" and "burning my nose" before it even passed a set of lips, most couldn't bear to finish even 2 fl. oz. before dumping their sample. The taste reviews didn't get much better; "terrible stuff", "nasty shit", and "orange kool aid" were some of the printable excoriations, and the "worst aftertaste yet" was similarly reviled. It would be easy to blame the glycerol ester of wood rosin or the brominated vegetable oil except that those ingredients were also featured in numerous other sodas.

Pulled quote: "It's leaving a ring around the tub in my mouth."

Entrant #5 - Minute Maid Valencia (2 liter)
Color: Standard Orange
S: 3 T:3.5 A:2.5 C:4

With a smell described as "sweet but not overwhelming", these orange juice experts presented a worthy challenge to the Sunkist cartel. It had a "spritzer" quality that "doesn't feel orange soda-like, subverting my expectations". The presence of orange juice and tangerine juice gave it a "tartness" that made it seem like "more of an orange drink than a soda". Flavoring the proceedings were acacia and the potassium twins, sorbate and benzoate, among many others. All in all, a winner.

Pulled quote: "I should be wearing a little league uniform walking into McDonalds drinking this."

By this point in the contest, stomach issues began to crop up with Marc, Sujan and Jim beginning to feel the effects. I think the pain was somewhat psychosomatic as we had only consumed the equivalent of a little over 1 can of soda.

Entrant #6 - Goya (12 fl. oz. bottle)
Color: Clear Orange
S: 1 T:0.5 A:1 C:1

Goya may have cornered the market on canned beans and various flavored rices, but their entry into the world of the citrus-related sodas is a clear orange disaster. A short ingredient list and a good "cloud" upon opening were soon ruined by a smell deemed "musty" and likened to "baby aspirin". On it's way to being dumped down the sink by our tasters, the taste was compared to a "melted freezer pop" and an "awful chemistry experiment" that actually managed to best Pathmark at the bottom of the rankings. Acacia gum and natural mandarin flavors couldn’t save this puppy from the pound and it was the only beverage to contain both Yellow #5 and #6. Though the carbonation was "pretty", it was also a phantom, dissipating during tasting. The poor showing produced the apt query "is this what Mexicans drink?"

Pulled quote: "The kickback goes into your mouth and comes back out like a dragon's tongue."

Entrant #7 - Jamaican (12 fl. oz.)
Color: Off-Standard Orange
S: 4 T:3 A:3 C:5

The cultural quips were in high gear by now with panel members wondering "does this have special rasta flavors?". It didn’t, but it did have a Kool Kat on the bottle and a "benign" smell that was well liked. While some thought the "thick" feel was "phlegmy", others found it "crisp" on the "tip of the tongue" and "like alcohol going down my throat". General consensus was that this was definitely "an adult beverage" with an aftertaste that "disappears" and plenty of carbonation.

Pulled quote: "I think I taste conch."

Entrant #8 - Naturale 90 (16 fl. oz.)
Color: Opaque Yellowish
S: 2 T:1.5 A:2 C:0

The first soda to shy away from the stark orange color scheme was thusly derided as resembling "piss and pineapple". The only ingredients besides water and corn syrup were orange juice and natural orange flavor, but the reviews didn't improve from there: "weak", "gross", "watered down", "water filtered through an orange dishrag". Due to a distinct lack of carbonation (carbonated water *was* the #1 ingredient), it was declared that this entry "shouldn't pass itself off as soda....or orange".

Pulled quote: "If I served this to my friends, they wouldn't come back to visit me."

Entrant #9 - Orangina (16 fl. oz.)
Color: Cloudy Yellow
S: 4 T:2.5 A:2 C:1.5

This one broke the tasting group into two distinct factions and was the winner of the most authentic orange smell likely due to the presence of orange and tangerine juices and pure orange pulp, though that didn't play with all the judges. Some objected to its inclusion at all and badmouthed the "weird flavor" that had hints of "the rind mixed in". It was compared to "bad O.J. mixed with seltzer" and called "the cheap champagne of orange sodas". Others reveled in the "subtleness, pulp and bitterness".

Pulled quote: "I didn't realize Jim was such an orange soda elitist."

Entrant #10 - Stewart's Orange & Cream (12 fl. oz.)
Color: Light Orange
S: 3 T:2.5 A:2 C:2

Certainly the most polarizing drink of the night, with some loving its dreamsicle like charms (it launched a dreamsicle vs. creamsicle debate. I’m not sure a difference was officially determined) and others failing to see the charm of its "medicinal" taste. The naysayers claimed that the taste was "not nearly as good as the smell" with a "gross" aftertaste (perhaps attributable to its use of non-specific natural and artificial flavors), but some were delighted to have had a "good one to end on". In the strange ingredient department, Stewart’s felt the need to use something clandestinely referred to only as BHA.

Pulled quote: "I’m running after the ice cream truck right now....to get a bomb pop!"

At this point we were all feeling a little off, with the 10 entrants co-mingling amid our gastric juices. Tongues were discolored, there were numerous nauseated faces and a significant amount of burping and low, plaintive moaning. We had suffered for science, but we had answers. Neither the large nor the small brands had a clear advantage, and there were no obvious "magic" ingredients that were common to the higher rated brews. In fact some brands with similar makeups were wildly different in terms of their rankings. Clearly it was necessary to conduct some trial and error tests, refining the additives all along in order to achieve orange(y) perfection.

Sunkist was declared the overall champion lording over the Top 3 lists of 5 of our tasters. The Jamaican and Minute Maid were also named on over half the lists, with Stewart’s and Orangina claiming some votes as well. What to do with the leftovers? The smaller bottles were mostly gone, but the 2 liters all had plenty left. No one could stomach the thought of drinking any more orange soda for a while, so off to Marc and Dan’s fridge they went to sit with the film, batteries and the dual-Brita attack. Except for the Pathmark brand. There was only one fate suitable for that rancid concoction.